Let’s talk about writing love letters. Not candy coated pap. Not romance novel fantasy crap. Not “chick” stuff. Real love letters. Years ago I asked my first coach if he would write an endorsement for me. This is what Drew Rozell wrote: “Tina is truth. Tina is love. “Whoa. That was a lot for me to take in. I mean, substitute your own name up there and sit with it for a while. It’s a lot to live up to. So, I wasn’t sure the world wanted truth and love. And I wasn’t all that sure that I wanted to lay my heart out to you like that. So I splashed in those fun waves where no one has to worry about drowning, (like teaching folks how to write websites, identify their niche markets, brand their businesses, or organize their time, and get some balance in life…)And then someone asked me a few months ago, if I could teach her to watch ants. (which, of course, planted the seed for this very blog.)Not increase profits, or get more stuff, or be more famous or popular or powerful. To watch ants. And my heart started to perk up … was this permission to go THERE?!And then one of the dearest people I know lost her husband. She is my age, 42. It is not for me to share her story here but I will tell you it was sudden. It was a 4 a.m. knock at the door. It was “No we can’t let you look at him. “It makes me cry even as I type this. So, I was sitting across from my own husband the other night. We haven’t missed a dinner together in months now, no matter how late we work or how late we eat. We know a wake up call when we hear one. We were sitting there and I shared how my friend was doing and he took a bite of his food. The food was excellent. The kind that makes you close your eyes and turns off every other sense. And then his eyes welled up and he talked about the tsunami and all those kids who have been devastated with losses of their parents. Scott works in pediatric rehab and they have had a rough year. Several deaths and stories that have become increasingly tragic. And his tears were of gratitude and humility. That we are alive. That we have each other. That we could sit and have an amazing meal. We don’t deserve it. Let me go on record saying that I don’t think anyone deserves a damn thing. I don’t, you don’t. I think the word “deserve” is one of the most destructive forces on the planet but this is not the place for me to go off on THAT little tangent. In the middle of Scott’s expressing his appreciation and his love for me I could feel he was SO present and I had this flash. For a moment I thought, “Oh my God, he’s going to tell me he’s dying.” I was wrong. I didn’t get any bad news. But, you know something? One day one of us, if we are lucky enough to have advance notice, will have to do just that. And we are going to have to figure out how to say good-bye. Jack Kornfield, in one of my favorite books, A Path with Heart, shares a spiritual exercise in which we are to perceive everyone in the world as an Enlightened Being, a Buddha if you will. Yes, even the guy who cut you off in traffic, and your mother-in-law, your evil boss (oops, you ARE the evil boss? sorry)…everyone. And they all “get it” and we are the only ones who don’t. Our job is to figure out what they are trying to teach us. I’ve seen a whole lot of death around me the past few years. And I know a lot more is coming. Everyone who is dying is teaching me that loving someone means you get the whole package. When you marry someone, or develop a true friendship with someone you are agreeing to go the distance. THE distance. As Paul Simon would say, in his most excellent CD on relationships, You’re The One,
“Ask somebody to love you, it takes a lot of nerve. “No kidding. When we accept someone in to our hearts, regardless of the relationship, we aren’t just saying, “Will you share my life with me?” We are saying, “Will you share my life with me and love me knowing full well that you will have to let me go one day? Can you go THE distance with me?” And while I have been letting myself stand in the reality of this fact, I have been witnessing a lot that makes me want to grab people and shake them silly. I see people looking for mates like it is some kind of a job interview. I heard someone express concern about marrying a woman, who he was afraid tended toward anorexia, because he wasn’t sure she was always attractive enough, especially when she didn’t wear make-up. Before you blow a gasket, let me tell you this is someone that has a really good heart and that I like very much. I know where the pressures are coming from that led him to say this because he has suffered the same kinds of rejection himself. Rational or not, loving or not, I understand that he would be hesitant to make himself even more vulnerable to rejection by being with someone who isn’t perfect. It makes all the sense in the world to me. It’s fear. We all have fears and they make us do and say crazy things. And don’t try to tell me you’ve been immune. I know better. It may show up in how we assess potential mates: What will others think if I am seen with this person? Are they attractive enough? Wealthy enough? Witty enough? Will they represent me well? Is this the perfect ornament for me? It may show up in how we relate to ourselves. I was at a Grand Opening of a boutique and several area business people were there. I overheard this exchange: “What do I do? Well, I make women beautiful.” “Oh, you must be a plastic surgeon.” “Why, yes, I am.” And then I saw woman after woman asking if they need botox yet. No thought as to whether someone shooting botulism into you is a good thing. There was no “if” in that sense. The “if” was simply a question of timing. THIS is what we have to do to be beautiful?!?!?Again, I see where this comes from. Look in any magazine or television show. Makes sense that everyone feels so insecure. Can I just say something, though? For the love of God, people! Snap out of it!!! Seriously! Get a grip on the fact that we are human. We get old. We die. The question is, do you want to spend all your time and money trying to run from reality pretending that somehow you have been granted special immunity from the 4 a.m. knock at your door or hearing really bad news from a loved one or are you willing to wake up and face this square in the eye and NOT SHRINK BACK? Like I said, I’m not going to get all touchy feely with you here. I have a picture of Samuel L. Jackson looking down on me. I used to have a lovely calligraphy that translated into “Calm”. I took it down. I am not calm. I’m not mindlessly floating around in an illusion. I’m not here to stay comfortable and to preach a little “I’m okay, you’re okay” at you. Psst…Hey, Tina, I thought you said you were going to write love letters?
Um…this doesn’t seem that loving to me…I mean.. “Au contraire, my friend. I’m saying this precisely because I DO love. You see, once you look at someone through eyes that allow you to face their impermanence in your life…once you REALLY get this…you will get very clear very quickly on what being in love with someone really means. It’s not about ornamentation and earning potential. It’s about embracing the fundamental, essential humanity that is common to us. It’s about showing up with no mask on. It is the scariest and most beautiful thing we can ever do. I’ve given you much to absorb here so I’ll leave you know to pour another cup of tea and maybe you might want to pick up a pen and a paper and just start with this sentence:” I don’t know how long I will get to be with you, so while I have you here there is something I want you to know about what it means to have you in my life…”

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According to the Encarta Dictionary, love is an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion; a passionate feeling or romantic desire and sexual attraction. Erich Fromm made these comments:Immature love says: I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.Love is union with somebody, or something, outside oneself, under the condition of retaining the separateness and integrity of one’s own self.In the classic book, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm writes that “To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern-and to take the jump and stake everything on these values.”In Forrest Gump, the movie, Forrest expresses this in the famous line, “Jenny, I may be stupid, but I know what love is.”So what is love?In my mind, love is a marriage union between souls. It is profound positive feelings actualized in affectionate behaviors toward the love object. Note the Bible passage on love, 1 Corinthians 13.If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.Though discussing love, this scriptural pericope does not refer to feelings or emotions. Instead, it talks about attitudes, such as patience, and actions, such as not boasting. It describes the result of love. When you love, you are inspired to behave in certain caring ways. For example, if you love your partner, you will be motivated to do everything possible to promote his or her well being. If he or she is unusually weary some night, out of love, you may volunteer to perform a duty that he or she would otherwise be responsible for.For all intent and purposes, there are three forms of love. The first is the Greek Eros and is used to designate erotic, romantic, physical love. It can be one of the peak pleasures in human experience if not abused and misused.The Greeks also has a second definition of love, and that is Philia which is where the word philanthropy is derived. Philia means brotherly love. We all know Philadelphia as the city of brotherly love. Philia does not contain romantic love. Philia is the love you and I have for our parents, siblings, friends, family members, and so forth. It does not contain Eros.The third definition of love is called Agape. Agape means unconditional love for someone. It means loving someone without expecting love in return. Parents can relate to this, especially a mother. Perhaps this may be a difficult concept to comprehend in today’s society because this type of love requires sacrifice and selflessness.Agape is different from both Eros and Philia in that inherent in agape love is an overflowing altruism that seeks nothing in return. The end of agape is not the well-being of the self, but the well-being of the other. It is the type of love that characterized the non-violent philosophies of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi.In my experience, the one common mistake that many couples make is equating “true” love with Eros love only. Real love, I believe, requires all three types of love. Far too many relationships today are based on one type of love. If your relationship fails to include all three types of love, you may be mixing a recipe for disaster. When the first few years are past, one or two children have entered the scene, daily living becomes more difficult (and believe me, it will); and Eros love loses a little bit of its spice, most people bail out of relationships. So I hope you can appreciate the value of applying all three types of love in your relationship and marriage.Eros love is essential to every relationship; philia love is equally important, and of course, agape love binds all three.Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, veteran social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach which can be reviewed on her site. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, is expected to be available soon.You are welcome to visit AMEN Ministries: Your Soul’s Service Station for spiritual refreshing, soul edification or to browse our newly expanded mini shopping mall.Blessings to all!

Ever since the women’s movement began, women have empowered themselves through self-help books, classes, therapy, and TV shows such as Oprah, the Lifetime Network and much more. Women have been stepping up to the plate, taking responsibility for their lives, their jobs and their relationships. In all of this, men have disappeared. Well, guess what guys? It’s time for us to step up to the plate and start living consciously and responsibly in our relationships.

Three years ago I started on a path of self-discovery when my marriage of 14 years ended. The last year we were together I was clueless that anything was wrong. After it was over, I not only realized how irresponsible I had been to the relationship, and myself but I had gone into it for all the wrong reasons. In a nutshell, I was looking for her to be my savior, take care of me, heal my past wounds, be a nurse maid, friend and mother all rolled into one. And it didn’t work. Since then I have noticed that very few of us consciously know why we enter into relationships. Try asking yourself these questions and see what answers you come up with. Obviously this applies to women also! What reasons did I have for entering into a relationship?What are my expectations in my relationships? What do I resent about my partner? What trade offs do I make in my relationships?* What values do I hold within myself in personal relationships? All of this has brought me to a relatively new field called co-active coaching. The actual practice of personal and professional coaching began around twenty years ago as a combination of mentoring, consulting and family adviser. Co-active coaching is different in that it is a designed relationship based on the client’s needs, values, goals and vision, not the coach’s. As each desire or goal is defined, the coach will help you decide on specific action, holding you accountable and helping you move in that direction. Coaching differs from counseling, therapy or mentoring in that it approaches a person as already creative, resourceful and whole and having the answers. A coach just helps draw the answers and solutions into awareness. Imagine what it would be like to have someone listen to you, with your focus and dreams in mind, in a nonjudgmental way, weekly for thirty or forty five minutes at a time?

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